Have you been deceived in one way or another and struggling to Get Over That Lie?
It is devastating when we have been deceived by a spouse, partner, family member, business partner or employee; we’ve put our trust into this person and feel betrayed and hurt. Even worse, we feel responsible.
“Researchers have studied this tendency and labelled it Honesty-Humility,” says Notre Dame Professor Anita Kelly, Ph.D., in a Psychology Today blog post. “Individuals high on this trait are sincere, modest, fair-minded, and non-greedy. They do not exploit others, even when there would be no retaliation for doing so. Individuals at the low end of this trait, on the other hand, are dishonest, haughty, and arrogant. They lack empathy and exploit others.”
The more decent we are, the easier it is for manipulators to deceive. “There is recent evidence that honest people tend to see others, particularly close others, as more honest than they actually are,” Kelly writes. We give liars the benefit of the doubt by believing that others are like us. The opposite also true; Liars believe others to be as dishonest as they are, “and thus see even honest partners as deserving to be exploited.”
This combination is lethal, and in addition dishonest people spent a lot of time learning how to be trustworthy.
In conclusion, the chances of an honest person being taken for a ride, taken advantage of and lied to are very high. When this happens, how to move on?
How to Get Over That Lie?
When you’ve been taken advantage of by a talented liar or master manipulator, it just means you’re honest.
- Forgive yourself for being fooled.
The responsibility for the harm done is not yours.
- Don’t give a known liar the benefit of the doubt.
A consistent liar may not become truthful just because their deception has been exposed, not even when they have confessed voluntarily.
- Learn the basics of deception detection.
Be a step ahead of the game, learn the facial expressions, phrases and behaviours that usually signal a lie.
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- Check things out.
Ask for corroboration of a statement such as references, bank account statements, the chance to do an on-site inspection, or other independent verification. Further, if someone invites you to check out their references, past history, or anything else, always take them up on it, and REALLY do it!
- Trust is earned.
Trust should not be automatic, let your trust be earned by action as opposed to word only.
If you’ve been challenged by lies and deceit, don’t allow yourself to wallow in the negativity. Breathe. Take stock. Learn from the experience and move on.
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